September 24, 2011

Ironed out, or, unVampired

Woo! my...some number of IV yesterday. :P Had my injection also, as usual, yesterday evening. I know my iron levels must be doing better, because I don't feel quite as cold and I'm not sleeping all the time. (at least in the last week) The irony is, now I'm having trouble getting to sleep! -_- If it's not one thing it's another, right? At least I'm getting stronger.

Feeling slightly queasy this morning, but ok----I ate a little and it's staying down. I was able to play a little STO with smoogie (though I would have bent over backwards to do so since it was his birthday, w00t!) I wish I could have properly celebrated with him.

I'd like to go into SL later if I can, but I don't know if I'll have the energy. We got the house we really liked, and I've been enjoying it. Plus, I've made two new friends who like to run the Lucky Chairs and Midnight Manias with me, so that's a lot of fun. Haven't heard from my G+ pal for a few days, but got an email from him today--seems his hard drive got juiced in a paradoxical warp of irony. Hopefully he'll get that sorted before long.

Only other news is my sis's fish died--the one I really liked. She can't find its body though, and thinks it's still in the tank but doesn't even seem to care. I wish I could stop caring as much as I do since she's being so callous about it, but it seems like she should care more than she does.

Posted by Rachel at 05:19 PM | Comments (0)

September 15, 2011

Discouraged and Angry

I don't even know where to begin. Not only was my iron lower than I thought it was to begin with (only 22) after all those IVs, it's only 30, not even where I thought it was before. I'm scheduled for weekly IVs for the foreseeable future. That's discouraging. But that's not the worst of it right now.

The worst part is the sick feeling of fury and hatred and loss that I feel regarding my fiance's friends. I feel like I never had a choice about some things; my fiance sides with them almost over me, it seems. He even forgot to ask me how I felt when something came up, and sided with them automatically.

I guess I shouldn't blame him; lately I've been sleeping so much, he's been hanging out with them instead. It's a miracle our relationship is doing as well as it is. He says he doesn't mind my sleeping and that he understands that I'm sick, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't been able to spend time with him and they have, so he's been spending most of his time with them. That means that most of his life experiences lately have been with them, most of the decisions, made with them. He does try to keep me in the loop, but even that is painful because it reminds me that I'm not there and that they are. I feel like I'm in a competition with them for his attention. Even when I can spend time with him, he wants them around. The more the merrier! I'm not bitter at all. :P

Anyway, his friends do some really stupid things. And since he is aligned with them and argued for them in our old community, he is "one of them." And since I'm known to be engaged to him, guess what that means? I'm automatically lumped in, whether I like it or not. I hate them for that! And I guess I'm a little angry with him for not even thinking about my feelings or how his decisions could affect me. This could definitely explain why my old editor-in-chief hasn't responded to any of my messages. I am probably a pariah; I now have a choice. I can publicly distance myself from my fiance's friend's actions (and thereby from him as well) and keep my connections to the community, or I can allow myself to be cut off from them entirely and just give up on it all and be stuck with only him and those wankers. I do have a few other friends, but none that play online games with me. (Well, one might play SL with me--we'll see).

What worries me is the larger implications of this decision, and the fact that my fiance angrily yelled at me about his friends and then started apologizing and begging me not to leave him when he realized that I'm angry too. He does need his friends, and I need mine; I just wish he had some nice friends who weren't doing crap and getting into trouble.

On a side-note, mom told me last night (when she was giving me my bath) that the pastor's wife I know asked her if I was married just because I referred to my in-laws....WTF?!??? Of all the small-minded...and mom said she said no, that we had a ceremony with our friends but aren't legally married. Well, unless you count Texas common law, mother! I've explained that to her before, but I think it went over her head. I should research Australian law too, at some point; I have a suspicion that they've got something similar.

Mom also told me that she thinks God is telling her that I'm her assignment right now, to take care of me. Oh gee thanks! Thanks for noticing that I can't do everything by myself. Thanks for refusing to admit that I'm not normal and might need help for the rest of my life. Thanks a bunch.

Note that this was a rant while I was angry and that I don't actually dislike all of my fiance's friends. This post probably makes things seem a lot worse than they are.

Posted by Rachel at 01:07 PM | Comments (0)

September 05, 2011

Cookies and Crying

I'm learning to be really thankful for everything, not just the things most people would think of being thankful for. Even things like crying, letting out all the pressure and stress that builds up inside me. I've found a lot of support on Google + and of course my biggest supporters are my Blake and my best friends. I'm glad to make new friends, but I treasure the old ones. I don't know why, but I'm finding that coping mechanisms suggested by cancer survivors are really helping me and in fact, I've already been doing some of them without knowing it. Maybe some coping mechanisms are the same for multiple chronic illnesses. I wish I knew more about it. I don't have time or energy to post more right now, but I'm trying to make more short posts, as I said I would all those times ago. Ciao, dear readers and friends.
(note: is where I buy my hats and link is to some coping mechanisms. More links to other things coming soon! So far, check out, website of a dear friend who makes cool things. *smile*)

Posted by Rachel at 08:30 PM | Comments (0)

Getting Ironed Out

So, I found out my iron was at 31 when it should be over 100. Not good. Luckily the test IV at the hospital went well, so I'll be getting IVs at the hematologist every day this week, Tuesday through Friday. Hope it takes care of my coldness, dizziness and exhaustion. Having to rest most of the time these days, but hopefully that'll change after the iron.

Posted by Rachel at 12:09 AM | Comments (0)