May 25, 2011

Naps make everything better (mostly)

Well, I did take a nap and I do feel better now. I don't know what it is that makes everything seem more optimistic after a nap; maybe it resets something. H's fiance is over and there is a family time, and mom fed me yummie things for dinner, so I am feeling pretty good again. I wrote mom....

a secret note though, because I was woken by dad on the phone talking to a car salesman about getting a brochure and having seen a vehicle for mom, behind her back. He wants to choose her vehicle for her. >.< Anyway I let her know.

Dad is going to go and get me some ice cream; I had asked him to take me through the drive through but he said he'd get it for me (probably so he won't have to deal with my wheelchair). Anyway I'll get it so I don't mind and YUM! It will be nice anyway cause I can lie down and rest until he comes back. I still feel a little out of it.

An old friend messaged me earlier, and I replied but haven't heard back yet. I am really hoping she will read my messages and reply. She mentioned being in WoW, and said her char would come and say hi--but I am not in WoW! I wonder if she thought I was. Anyway it makes me wish I were, and tempts me to try the trial. Anyway, I don't think Blake would like me doing that because he doesn't like that game. Still, I wonder about it sometimes because it is so well-known.

Blake did already get me lifetime accounts to Star Trek Online and Champions Online--he really does spoil me! I wish I could get him expensive gifts too. He said "wow, you are poor! You have no money!" when he made me a budget. LOL! I have pretty much given him control of the finances, since he is better at it and takes care of me so I won't mess it up, which I'm good at doing. Sadly he says I can't give him my bank password and let him log in directly, because it would upset the bank--so I just have to give him periodic reports and keep him informed.

I do enjoy the games he got me--they are fun, but sometimes get a little tiring, because STO is a little grindy here and there, and doesn't have many people on it sometimes, while Champions is fun but is also very cartoony and I am sometimes not in the mood for that. I miss having a good RPG with classes and dungeons and skills, like GW and PW and DDO. Blake does seem to enjoy trying out different games but doesn't have a lot of patience for doing things like grinding--he likes to try things out and try to jump ahead to the high level areas, and when we get beaten, withdraws discouraged, leaving me to grind and get us some stuff. I miss him in SL; he got discouraged about sculpties and their crafting system, so he left. I blame the Relto island, although I enjoyed it at the time. I wish he had never tried to build it. At least he's kept our house, which was really sweet and gives me a place to go, a refuge. It feels a little empty without him, though.

I'm glad when we do play games together though--it is wonderful. Lately I've lost Blake to his forums and the dratted Uru open source stuff, as well as Minecraft modding and his server. He runs it for us and our friends, but they are very into it and keep his attention a lot.

Ah well, to the ice cream! (when it comes.) :)

NOOOO! Dad gave them my note, which CLEARLY said "Brownie battter"--but they gave me vanilla ice cream anyway!!! I wish I could slap them with a hammer.

Posted by Rachel at 10:00 PM | Comments (0)

Feeling Lonely & Discouraged

I woke up early today. That tends to happen when I've had to take some of the meds that knock me out, the anti-nausea ones included. I'm not sure, but they might knock me out even more than Benadryl. Anyway....I decided to play Perfect World until Blake got home. I was feeling upbeat since I was feeling pretty good and had come home from watching Pirates of the Caribbean with my brother and dad; it was a good, funny movie and I enjoyed it. Then my brother and I went and got a bite to eat, and I came home and crashed for a while since I was incredibly tired. So I guess you could say...

I was feeling pretty good by the time I woke up and decided to play until Blake got home. I had decided to go ahead and get up since I kept thinking I heard skype ringing, and I decided I was rested enough to play. Also, I really wanted to play my Tideborn character while she still had her limited time wings.

I really loved those wings; I took lots of screenshots. Sadly, they're not for sale so I can't get them again unless on another character, and then only for the three days. I had hoped that the three days was only when I was online, but no--the company that runs the game seems incredibly moneygrubbing--they even charge a small fee for each world chat sent!

I'm not impressed by them at all; how is anyone supposed to make friends and play the game? It's depressing. I wouldn't mind paying some money for a game, or even buying a subscription, but having to pay for every little thing every time I turn around gets expensive fast, and I just can't afford it. It's also frustrating.

Another frustration: I saw wings I really love, but they apparently come from the game's expensive lucky packs, meaning that you only have a /chance/ to get them when you use a pack. On top of that, I can't find the pack that contains them, so it may be a limited edition that is no longer available. So suffice it to say that I'm feeling disillusioned and discouraged.

On top of that, I just spent hours grinding for in-game materials to get the banker to give me more bank slots, but it turns out that he only gave me one more line of slots! The quest said something about max size, but it either lied or they updated the game to add more if you buy them. The extra slots help a fair bit, but that added to my discouragement--besides, I had to buy one of the last items because even though I ground for at least two hours, I could not get it, and the in-game encyclopedia does not give the spawn locations of the many monsters that drop that item. So the small upgrade was definitely a let down.

It may not have been the best time, on top of all of that, to decide to try to lower my day pain meds. I've been wanting to do it for some time, because I have been feeling better since I upped my chemo dose. I think when I manage to reach the proper dose, I may not have to take pain meds around the clock at all, but only one or one half pill in the morning and a pill at night. I'm hoping for the best anyway.

It seems to be going ok so far, except that I am in a little pain and I can feel my joints bending in ways they shouldn't (my fingers mostly) and my shoulder's depressing. I think it's probably good for me to feel that, since I will be careful about how much I move and how I do it, but it's very depressing to feel my body degenerating.

I guess when it rains it pours...Blake is in mumble now (he came in when he got home) and for a while, he and I talked to another friend about a Minecraft server that Blake runs. But then, more of our friends came into mumble and all got on the Minecraft server with Blake, and there is no more room for me to talk about anything I'm doing. I have that alone feeling I get when I'm in the middle of a crowd, different than all of them as they flow around me, oblivious to my pain.

I have muted and deafened myself in mumble, and told Blake, so he rang me. He wants to support me but he is wrapped up in his fun. I don't blame him really, although it's discouraging that he likes to be around a group of friends so much that he'll choose that over anything else. It's made it really hard for us to have any couple time; he keeps saying that we'll have some, but we don't because he always wants to maximize his time with all of them and have me along so he can have everything. It's a growing void inside me, this empty couple-hood. I still have his love (or at least his need for me and fear that I will leave him, masquerading as desperate devotion, and love--I wish otherwise, but I can't seem to help him) and there is still affection, so I am living on those dribbles like a parched woman catching every drop of water she can find, hoping for a storm. I hope things are different when we're finally together.

I hope I feel better later. I will keep my popcorn chicken container for a little while; when I my eye fell on it just after I lost my wings, I read "don't feel bad..." so I know God is with me. Maybe I'll have a nap, and hope I feel better when I wake. I'd like to write letter(s) to friends, but I can't seem to muster the energy to compose anything. I'm in a quiet mood; sociable words won't come to me. Maybe later.

Posted by Rachel at 10:16 AM | Comments (0)

May 20, 2011

Quiet Moments & Indecision Over Mayhem

It's quiet here now, for the time being. It's also one of my favorite times of day; almost supper time, when the day is winding down and people are going home to prepare the evening meal. The light grows long and golden and dances over the cabinets in the kitchen as I go to refill my tea, and the air conditioner's purr seems somehow contented, although I know it can't be. I love this time of day because

it's a breath of peace before the storm of family dinners, before they all come home from work, talking about anything and everything, excited and demanding to be heard. It's a bit of time to reflect and regroup before the rest of the day.

Or so mine is and will always be; I've watched busy people scurry like faithful ants, trying to get caught up and kidding themselves that they will--but I know they won't. I've watched them over the course of time and those older than they who did the same. It's really a choice how busy to let life become. I now realize that it's the relationships and memories that matter--believe me, when you die that's all you can take with you. But what good is any of it if you never take the time to reflect on it and absorb it? That's one thing I may never understand about walking people; their constant urge to move and not sit down and think. I almost think they are afraid to confront their lives and what they might realize. Perhaps I am blessed because I have no choice.

Anyway, today I also discovered some emotional paradoxes. I'm not sure what I think yet, but I have a feeling that realizing that the situation exists is the first step to something. I've always tried to be a "good girl," avoid making chaos and try to help keep the peace. Maybe it's my position as oldest sibling; that was always my job. Add to it my role as minister's daughter, and I was set in concrete. I always saw chaos and disruption as trouble--and part of me still does. But now....

I'm not sure what to think, since I am getting a look onto the other side. My fiance is not afraid to stir up chaos and sometimes even seems to enjoy it. In that regard he reminds me of my second-to-youngest sister; never shying away from confrontation, never afraid to make a spectacle, always ready to speak their minds, and always ready to buck the established order if they feel that it's wrong or oppressive. I listen to my fiance and his friends talk about doing disruptive things to make points and try to make change--nothing like demonstrations or anything like that, only things like reporting every post in a forum thread and saying things that are bound to stir up drama. Sometimes it almost seems as if they are asking for it, just to make a point, to stir up mayhem.

I realized my emotional quandary when it reminded me of a time when I was talking to someone--I forget who now--and they told me that they were going to go off and create chain emails! Here was an actual person responsible for some of those annoying chain emails! I carefully asked them why they did it, and they said because it was cute and they thought people would like it and they wanted to see how many people they could reach. I'm still not sure what to think of that or how to feel....and this other situation is the same for me. However I realize that this blog is about my life journey, not just my realizations and discoveries. The question is a beginning....I'll try to remember to post more if I figure anything out. Feel free to leave me thoughts on it.

I suppose I should rest a bit before the herd comes home; it won't be quiet and restful then. Yet at the same time, I am wondering where they all are and what they are doing--I think maybe I feel a little abandoned, although I tell myself that's foolish and determine to enjoy the restful quiet while it lasts. I wish we had some ice cream.

I'll try to write more again soon; I thought of some things I wanted to add before this but I didn't get to the keyboard. I'll see about making shorter, more frequent posts. That'll probably be better.

Posted by Rachel at 05:20 PM | Comments (0)