March 23, 2011

March Madness

Is it just me, or have I seen my title before, in other places? Meaning that March tends to be a run of madness for lots of people...maybe it's the timing--end of spring, getting ready for summer...so much to do, so little time. I imagine all those people who have even more to do than I have, and just want to crawl into bed and hide. I've been having to learn how to do things in tiny increments, since I just haven't had the energy to do them all at once--even things that seem to me that I did all at once only recently. The problem is, I'm so tired I can't remember. I feel so utterly silly.

Oddly enough, I also feel lonely, but it's my own fault, because I have been resting so much--who can spend time with me then?

I have been trying to write letters (in fact I still have several to write) but that takes a fair bit of energy too, and I've been having to do them in stages.

I had the most horrible dream last night. I dreamed that Blake came to see me, but that he was lonely and not happy with me and that he admitted to me that he'd called his parents and told them that he wanted to come home. If I remember the dream correctly, they'd told him to stick it out a little longer since we've been together so long, but I still felt so desperate and horrible and was trying to think why he wasn't happy and how to fix it. I kept trying to go to him in the dream and make him happy. Then in another part of the dream, he was pushing my wheelchair and we were going somewhere, but then he left me and took off in some kind of space ship and was killed...and somehow he knew it was going to happen and that's why he left me there--I was going through waves of grief and I don't even know what all the emotions are as I think of it--but then people around me started telling me to blow it off because it wasn't real, it was only an alternate reality! I was so relieved to wake up and hear Blake talking to friends over skype, and when he heard me waking he immediately gave me a "hug" and I knew everything was ok. What a horrible nightmare though. I'm glad it's over.

I am feeling fairly anxious about a couple of things--one is that my college loan deferment goes up on the fourth of next month, so I either have to have a job by then or get another deferment to give me time to get one. I also need to get them consolidated, because at the moment they are in four parts, but I don't feel confident with numbers /at all/--they make me panic. I am going to have to call the bank or something though.

The second thing is a job interview--at least I suppose you could call it that. My DARS counselor (Department of Assistive and Rehabilitative Services--Those who helped me go to university) is setting up a meeting with an employment agency. I'd normally be nervous enough, but the timing is uncertain, and I have to get mom or dad to give me a ride, and they've been fighting and acting very unreliable lately.

Also, the lady from the agency suggesting meeting at a cafe in a rather expensive development. =/ At least, it's rather expensive for me. She sent a link to their website, but they don't list any prices, which is a red flag to me. Blake told me to ask about another little coffee shop in a nearby bookstore, which I have done--hopefully both she and my DARS counselor will like that idea--but if not, Blake said he would take care of me. I don't even know how to respond to him--but when he takes care of me like that I just want to cry.

I wish he could go with me--I don't know if mom or dad (whoever drives me) will be going in with me or just dropping me off, so I may have to push my manual wheelchair through unfamiliar territory on top of it. It's not just that though--I wish Blake was going to be there because it's decisions about our future that I'll have to be making by myself. It's hard not to be able to tell him about it until I get home.

I still haven't made it onto Flufffriends to talk to those people who gave me gifts, but they keep coming up in my thoughts and I think "I need to do that...." I need to just get it done. I feel terrible about it, but at the moment it's something hanging over my head and I know they never meant for it to be that.

I /still/ haven't gotten my packages in the mail! Oh, where could they be? I can't mail my friend's recuperation package until that other one arrives, because one of her gifts is in it! Also, I really hope my new corded mouse arrives before the batteries die in this cordless one. =/ *sigh*

Do I stress too much about things? Or do I just notice too much? It doesn't seem like other people even notice all this stuff. Maybe it's just because I sit in one place so long. I don't know.

Posted by Rachel at 01:02 PM | Comments (0)