The past few days, I've been so tired I don't know what to do with myself. I keep thinking of things I need to do, but I just don't have the spoons to do them!
I need to answer the people I fluff with (and thank them for thinking of me, and for the nice gifts they gave me), and answer some emails and letters--my friends must be wondering what happened to me. I also keep thinking about some presents that I've been working on for weeks now, every chance I'm feeling good enough--I need to finish them and send the package to my friend in Germany. It's already February as of today! Lord knows what she must think--she sent one to me in January and was embarrassed about it. Well, looks like I've outdone her in that department.
I don't know if it's just me or if this ever happens to anyone else, but sometimes I worry about pretty odd things. For example: I worry that she'll think I'm a con and just talking to her to get her to think that I'm sending her stuff but really not--or that my fiance will think I'm trying to get money out of him, or that his family will think it. Sometimes I worry that I'll suddenly drive my wheelchair off the edge of the sidewalk, or that I'll stab myself with a fork--but I don't want to. I really don't do any of that, and I've told my fiance about those strange worries and he just comforted me and told me I am cute and silly. I wonder if it's normal though. I mentioned the driving and fork thing to my mom once and she said it was stress. I don't know....but it really bothers me sometimes.
I did finally manage to spend some time with my smoogie (fiance to everybody else), playing a MMO (Champions Online) that he bought me a lifetime subscription to for Valentine's Day. Is he sweet or what? The game is tons of fun--it just went free to play, but we get more options in character creation (hard to believe, since there are SO many to start with) and other stuff, including a point stipend to get things from the little store--extra outfits and whatnot. I got him a present too, but I don't think it's as fantastic as his--I don't want to list it here, at least until after Vday, because he might read it. Other than that, I had an oral challenge at my allergist's--and was allergic to the med that we tried. =P (it figures)
Today I also managed to finally write my sis a thank you note for the origami kit she got me and write a short note to my doctor to send him some med info he asked me for, but I was so tired after that I couldn't write any more, so I went to bed.
I slept for a long time--I remember I dreamed I was writing stories, very detailed ones, and I can sort of remember their general outlines. Well, one of them, at least. It actually seems pretty good. The other dream I had was actually very disturbing--I dreamed that my mom blamed me for something I didn't do (a common occurrence, especially in the past), and that I lost my temper (a rarity) and actually threw a chair at her! (I think that's a physical impossibility--maybe it's from the game, since the superheros can pick up large objects and throw them. Anyway, after that I apparently ran out to the back porch, except it wasn't any house I remember from real life. She followed me for some reason, but I didn't want her to see me, so I stood behind the door, except I backed into these horrible thick cobwebs and this huge trantula started coming towards me. Then I was covered with tiny spiders and biting centipedes that kinda burrowed into my skin and were going into the leg braces that I used to wear up until I was fourteen. I was so freaked out I woke up.
I woke up and played CO with smoog and a friend for a little while, but I feel guilty for doing that when I have things to do and haven't done them yet....but at the same time, I need to spend time with Kaelis (smoogie) also....seems I'll feel guilty either way. I think I am going to start documenting my progress with the gifts I am making. Maybe it will shut up that little voice in the back of my head that keeps saying "she's going to think you're a fraud!" Either that or I can send her all the stuff I bought and send the stuff I'm making later. Now there's a thought. I should say hi too, but she's busy.
I kept trying to remember what it was like before I had RA, but I couldn't! It's so frustrating...I can remember times before, of course, but just events and times, not specifically what it was like not to have RA. I can't remember how I coped with everything I had to do back then, or if I got tired a lot, or if I managed ok. I seem to remember being able to do a lot of things in college, and if I list them and think about doing them now, I realize that I couldn't. But I can't make the direct comparison and I don't know why. It's so frustrating. I just run out of spoons too fast these days. (I'm referencing The Spoon Theory--it basically explains what it's like to have a handicap or disability by using spoons as units of energy, both emotional and physical--in every sense of the word, really.)
*note: I use the words "handicap" and "disability" differently--in my way of thinking, one must first be able in order to become "DIS-abled." Therefore, I use the word "handicapped" to refer to congenital (from birth) conditions, and "disabled" to refer to conditions which occur later. For example; I am both handicapped and disabled--my Arthrogryposis is a handicap because it's congenital, but my Rheumatoid Arthritis is a disability because I got it three Christmases ago. (what a Christmas present!)
I guess I'm going to have to slot myself only one or two tasks per day if I'm able, and if I finish those, count myself blessed. It doesn't look like I can do more than that. I guess my frustration is coming from my expectation that I should be able to do more and not being able to. I realize now that I need to lower my expectations to match reality.
I also realize that Flufffriends is a wonderful ap, but it's like a treadmill that goes faster and faster unless you really watch out. The more you do on it, the more people you interact with, the more they interact with you and expect you to interact back. There isn't any pet people, give them gifts and then go off--they will come back every time. I thought I could keep it slow, but I am starting to think I can't control it. The more I do, the more I need to do. I think I am going to do the appropriate thanks and petting and then leave again, at least for now. I just can't keep up with it. I feel bad about it, since there are so many nice people there and I really wanted to try to brighten their day with a nice word when I could, but I just don't have enough spoons, and my close friends and smoogie should come first.