September 15, 2011

Discouraged and Angry

I don't even know where to begin. Not only was my iron lower than I thought it was to begin with (only 22) after all those IVs, it's only 30, not even where I thought it was before. I'm scheduled for weekly IVs for the foreseeable future. That's discouraging. But that's not the worst of it right now.

The worst part is the sick feeling of fury and hatred and loss that I feel regarding my fiance's friends. I feel like I never had a choice about some things; my fiance sides with them almost over me, it seems. He even forgot to ask me how I felt when something came up, and sided with them automatically.

I guess I shouldn't blame him; lately I've been sleeping so much, he's been hanging out with them instead. It's a miracle our relationship is doing as well as it is. He says he doesn't mind my sleeping and that he understands that I'm sick, but it doesn't change the fact that I haven't been able to spend time with him and they have, so he's been spending most of his time with them. That means that most of his life experiences lately have been with them, most of the decisions, made with them. He does try to keep me in the loop, but even that is painful because it reminds me that I'm not there and that they are. I feel like I'm in a competition with them for his attention. Even when I can spend time with him, he wants them around. The more the merrier! I'm not bitter at all. :P

Anyway, his friends do some really stupid things. And since he is aligned with them and argued for them in our old community, he is "one of them." And since I'm known to be engaged to him, guess what that means? I'm automatically lumped in, whether I like it or not. I hate them for that! And I guess I'm a little angry with him for not even thinking about my feelings or how his decisions could affect me. This could definitely explain why my old editor-in-chief hasn't responded to any of my messages. I am probably a pariah; I now have a choice. I can publicly distance myself from my fiance's friend's actions (and thereby from him as well) and keep my connections to the community, or I can allow myself to be cut off from them entirely and just give up on it all and be stuck with only him and those wankers. I do have a few other friends, but none that play online games with me. (Well, one might play SL with me--we'll see).

What worries me is the larger implications of this decision, and the fact that my fiance angrily yelled at me about his friends and then started apologizing and begging me not to leave him when he realized that I'm angry too. He does need his friends, and I need mine; I just wish he had some nice friends who weren't doing crap and getting into trouble.

On a side-note, mom told me last night (when she was giving me my bath) that the pastor's wife I know asked her if I was married just because I referred to my in-laws....WTF?!??? Of all the small-minded...and mom said she said no, that we had a ceremony with our friends but aren't legally married. Well, unless you count Texas common law, mother! I've explained that to her before, but I think it went over her head. I should research Australian law too, at some point; I have a suspicion that they've got something similar.

Mom also told me that she thinks God is telling her that I'm her assignment right now, to take care of me. Oh gee thanks! Thanks for noticing that I can't do everything by myself. Thanks for refusing to admit that I'm not normal and might need help for the rest of my life. Thanks a bunch.

Note that this was a rant while I was angry and that I don't actually dislike all of my fiance's friends. This post probably makes things seem a lot worse than they are.

Posted by Rachel at September 15, 2011 01:07 PM