July 29, 2011

Scared and Sad

I am really going through a hard time right now. I just made a very honest post on G+. Maybe even my last. I have even looked up how to leave G+. I am very very worried about being locked out of my email account. A guy I talked to earlier told me that Google wouldn't lock me out of my email, but it worries me because I've seen so many posts to the contrary. I'm thinking I may set my Gmail account to forward to my Yahoo account, just in case something happens to either one. I really am feeling that scared. It probably wasn't good....

That I spent so much time reading threads about the issue, ranging from reasoned rationales to impassioned pleas to rude attacks to seeming threats to paranoid sounding....somethings. The problem is, I'm not sure where the truth lies amidst all those warnings and rants and pleas. I don't honestly know if someone could triangulate my position using my first name, the first letter of my last name, and my presence on various networks. But the idea scared me enough to make me change it back to my usual handle. I don't know which scares me more: the idea of someone finding me, or the idea of losing my email. I have a lot of my life in my email. As I was reading all of those threads, I realized just how much we trust our email providers. We trust them not to lose our data. We trust them to keep it (relatively) private. We trust them to send and receive our messages promptly and store them for us--effectively keeping a huge chunk of our lives. I wonder how many people actually think "I'm going to intrust this chunk of my life to Google." As I read the threads, I became more and more convinced that my first impression has to be true; they have to be selling user data--if not personal data, then aggregate data. The thing that bothers me is that I can't think of a single real need for RL names except selling user data. Please no. That's all I can think. Anyway, I published the following. God help me if the family finds out. I just hope I haven't hurt anyone by doing so--that was never my intent. Whenever I tell any part of the truth, I'm always so scared that something bad will happen. Why oh why? When will it ever end?

I am feeling very, very torn. You might've guessed it: I didn't manage to pull myself away from the pseudonym situation. I am worried sick, almost literally. I can't afford to lose my gmail, but I don't want to lose my new support group or post my real name.

What most of you don't know about me is that my father is a minister. A real preacher. What people don't know about /him/ is what he's like at home, or my mom, for that matter. They are both in counseling now...or at least that's what mom says. Dad is dragging his heels all the way and telling mom she has to "submit" or he will leave her. He says that all of my issues with him are from my past, not valid, and that I never forgave him. He gives no credence to the problems I have with him today: the fact that he treats me like I have no mind of my own but must instead get told what to think by him or mom. I was stressed out by this, and having a Rheumatoid Arthritis flare about being dragged into the middle of it and from all their shouting. I made the mistake of posting to my close friends on FB--and got confronted by my mother later. Only three of my friends, and my fiance, know the whole truth. Ironically, all of the friends I actually hang out with know both my real name and my online handle.

You see, when G+ came out, I thought it was the answer to my problems. Finally I could talk about issues where they belonged--and my fiance was actually eager to join, whereas I can't get him to touch FB with a ten-foot pole! Ironically, I had an "invitation" to join in my gmail, and when I clicked it, it used my pre-existent Google profile--I never saw any forms.

I thought, "finally, I can talk about my physical problems without worrying about the weirdos who follow me" (literally, in RL) I thought I could finally talk to friends and tell them the truth about what happened to me; how mom sent me away to college in express defiance of my father because she was afraid he'd molest me and she'd be faced with the same decision her mother had to make. How I was a virtual prisoner from 1999 to 2004, when mom got me away to college, because my dad actually /forbid/ me to get a job or leave home--and I wasn't allowed to use the phone without one of them there, or send an email unless it was read first--or I could choose to send it and spend hours being interrogated about what it said. And I do mean interrogated. I've been told that the kind of mental torture I've been through is the same kind of thing POWs endure.

But my life is not simple...the same mother who lied to the police and told them that I was mentally troubled so they'd go away is the same one who gives me baths and feeds me, and tries to bring me little things to cheer me up.
The same father who tortured me and when I was only eight years old threatened to turn me out into the street to starve without my leg braces so I'd have to crawl, telling me how I'd starve and freeze and what it would be like, is the same father who pitifully waits to be invited to watch a movie. I can never tell what he did to me in my real name, or say what his real name is, because he's known to a wide circle of people. If they found out, mom says that their counseling would be ruined, and dad would lose his income.
I tried once; I called an abuse hotline, and they sent the police. The police interrogated me, over and over; for some reason they could not seem to understand the concept of "past imprisonment." They kept asking how I got out. They were going to call my dad to come get me! It was only via the inspiration of telling them that neither of my parents has a wheelchair lift on their vehicles that made them offer to call my mom...who still holds that embarrassment against me. Shortly after the incident, she defended her right to tell the police anything to "protect the family," but now she denies ever saying what I remember her saying--she says it's me. I can't discuss any of these or other wracking schisms that tear at me...but I need to talk to someone! I've been alone for so long and questioned my sanity....

Feel free to share this post anonymously, if you need to. I know there's been a lot of talk about "anonymity"--I haven't been able to stop reading it, anxiously combing the pages...I'm not anonymous at all--I've always been myself, but my family can never trace this to me or I will go through hell!

I had to move home again when I got RA in Christmas of 2009. I don't even have a real bedroom at the moment; I'm sleeping in the corner of the front living room. I am working on getting a job with my degree (that I /finally/ completed after a fair bit of pain...I was almost done with it when the RA hit. I don't exactly have a lot of options at the moment. If I have to choose...I feel bad about it, dear friends, but you will simply have to email me.

Posted by Rachel at July 29, 2011 03:22 AM