June 01, 2011

The Smell of Blah in the Morning

I woke up very early this morning, probably because I was sick yesterday and therefore slept most of the day. I was feeling optimistic because I was hoping to play a game with Blake and it was almost time for him to come home....

and I was also wondering if anyone had talked to me in a couple of irc channels I'd joined earlier the day before. One is a channel that Blake introduced me to and we've both lived in for a long time but I'd been absent from in recent months due to illness, but the other was a channel that Blake hangs out in to talk about game dev stuff, mostly.

I finally decided to join too, just on a whim, because the last few mornings I would get up and join mumble and be the only one there. When Blake got home, he would talk to his friends in that channel and get them to join us in mumble--so voila, I had the brilliant idea of joining the channel to possibly have someone to talk to and maybe even get our regular friends to join me in mumble.

I didn't work exactly as I'd hoped; I did get to catch up with a few old friends in our old channel, but the new one was as silent as the old one often is. I did talk to a few people we know in the new one, but only in passing--all of them were busy. (They were really surprised to see me though). I may not stay there since I feel like I don't belong there.

Fortunately Blake came home shortly after and I greeted him happily--however, when I talked to him about playing LOTR (which we'd spent a long time and a lot of trouble downloading) he investigated it and found that the devs had set it up so that people would have to use different logins and handles for each of their games, even though the accounts are kind of linked. That pissed Blake off so much he didn't want to even try it. (We also played DDO from those devs, and Blake actually got me a year sub (which was so sweet of him) but then my mom said I couldn't play the game because she is so fundy. I still blame her for that and a number of other things--I may take a long time to forgive her, if at all.)

I'm starting to think that Blake gets pissed off way too easily and that he is much too purist. If he doesn't like something, anything, he throws the whole thing out the window. Part of it may have been because he wasn't really in the mood to play a game in the first place. He really wanted to read his forums to get a dramadose, and then play around with his minecraft server. That's all he's interested in doing, lately--partly I think because all of the people he hangs out with really like that game and they're always poking him to do things on the server for them and talking to him about playing and he likes to hang with them. I find myself resenting them, Minecraft, and MOUL. It's not that I want him to try that game (Gah, that would mean re-downloading and re-installing it >.<) I am just in the wake of the frustration and disappointment. It all happens way too often.

I don't know why, but for some reason, I always feel like I'm on the outside looking in. I suppose they are my friends too, to an extent, but only because they are Blake's friends and he does things with them. If it weren't for that, none of us (them and me) would probably mix at all. I am on the outside of the game dev stuff (which tends to frustrate me a lot anyway because I don't understand the technobabble and because it's an old community that's dead and full of crap and I wish it would just die and go away once and for all). (One exception--an older man who has given me fatherly advice--but at the same time, it highlights the void in my life and I also worry that I may make him uncomfortable.)

I'm also on the outside of the Minecraft stuff--I used to be interested in it and enjoy it, but then one of Blake's friends took over the world and my interest died. I've also never been able to get into the update stuff as much as they do.

On the other hand, Blake is no longer interested in Second Life (although he has kept our house, so I can at least go in and hang out by myself), and he dropped Spiral Knights as well (the last time I finally went in by myself, one friend I had made had dropped me). Now Blake is not really interested in STO or CO (I confess I am a little burned out too, but that's mostly because Blake doesn't like to stick with stuff so he goes around trying high level areas and then leaving--and he keeps trying new characters, so we have to do the same stuff again and again.) He's offered to play anyway, but I can't ask him to do that, not only because it wouldn't be nice, but because he only follows me around forelornly. I can understand in a way, because I've done that too, when I forced myself to play something for him.

I did try PWI too, but I got discouraged when my wings expired and also to keep hearing Blake talk about what a horrible game it is...I already admitted the devs were moneygrubbing Ferengi, but when he brings it up in such an angry way, I never know what to say. I partly want to go back in and play it some more, but I would be doing it alone.

I can't help but wonder how much Blake and I have influenced each other's decisions--what would both of us be doing and what friends would we have if we had not gotten together? I probably should not even let that cross my mind, but when I look at how different our choices are and spend so much time alone, it does come to mind. Not that I would change it, but I do wonder how other couples handle such divergent choices. I am keenly feeling the absence of any relationship.

Moreover, Blake asks me what's wrong and I don't know what to tell him! I can't put any of this into words, really--and the few times I've tried, we ended up fighting and got nowhere, he'd promise to change and then everything would be the same again.

Maybe I just need a vacation. I feel lonely.

Posted by Rachel at June 1, 2011 09:45 AM